Vhayan's letter to Ati

My dear Ati,

These days, with all this time in my hands, I’ve caught myself drifting through past memories of you over and over again – especially of the final few fragments I can remember of us together. I think, perhaps even before you were found decaying on that decrepit shore, I knew that you would die before any of us. You were a gift, the only person that had any chance of saving us from that hell we called home. But in my foolishness, I couldn’t see that. I didn’t deserve you, none of us did. Taking you away from us was the perfect punishment for our ignorance.

I have little recollection of how you looked and acted the day before you left us.I don’t remember if your eyes shined with enthusiasm or dread at the prospect of what could have been your last time leaving Euryclade. I don’t remember what you said to me as I sat motionless, chained to the cold, hard concrete floor I always found myself on, merely watching as you bid your final farewell. I don’t remember why I just let you go. Why I didn’t force myself out of that constant haze, begging you to stay – because I knew you were going to die. 

You’ve never visited me since. Unlike Luyan, Zoë, or even Sanno, you haven’t visited me once, not as a vision of what you once were, not even in my dreams. I wonder, do you resent me for letting you sacrifice yourself for us? 

I started writing this letter to apologize to you, but I know that’s not what you’d want to hear from me. My darling present, my precious little fish, Ati. You had so much of the vast sky left to bask in, so much of the blindingly blue sea left to love. I’ll always mourn you, and the life you could have led. But for now, as Amel slowly teaches me how to stand on my own two feet again, I want to thank you. Thank you for the blessing you were to me, in life and in death. 

I hope you aren’t worrying about me there. I have many good people around me now. People that truly care, who I will be able to grow with. Wherever your soul resides now, don’t keep your mind on us anymore – explore and enjoy to your heart’s content. Swim through the distant, endless blue as much as you’d ever wanted to. Let the sunlight comb your hair with its gentle hands and laugh together about mundane things, just as I’d wanted to with you. I’ll keep living the life you’ve gifted me. And one day, when it all finally comes to an end, I’ll run to you and hold you in my arms again. 

Your brother,

Vhayan