Silence

8/17/2024 Last Words of a Shooting Star

Zrayuu was never known to be talkative.

Even before becoming the Duke of Desiderium, she had always agonized over every word that was to slip out of her mouth. Out of consideration, out of fear, out of wisdom – Zrayuu was silent, and when she was not being silent, she was merely reciting words that had been carefully crafted and planned. With nobility came responsibility, and for Zrayuu, accepting responsibility meant drafting, preparing, and organizing.

So, it was no surprise to herself when she started planning her final words at the age of 18.

One of the things she was forced to learn at the beginning of her mandatory dukedom inheritance education was to become as coldhearted and strategic as possible. Objectivity and ambition were the two most prestigious qualities to have: and those two were exactly what Zrayuu was to demonstrate in her plan to counter Damon’s “happy ending plan”.

She knew what she would have to put herself and those around her through, for the many years until the final puzzle piece would be laid. The puzzle piece that would set Damon’s reign over her and the Cynthrian society to come to a close. 

She would kill herself.

It was necessary – no, it was right. After all, her existence was a curse to many whose futile attempts at resistance against Damon and the Elsimoore resulted in havoc. She was one of the main weapons Damon wielded to build his empire of lies; taking away her life would end her misery and his treachery. 

As detached from sentiment as she was, Zrayuu had always thought the final words one spoke in their last moments were quite romantic. A final confession or a final outburst, allowing one last chance to be truthful before an inevitable end. It was quite a beautiful notion.

And so every night, she whispered words of regretful love, attempting to perfect the words she would say while dying. She would kill herself, Zrayuu thought, and right before she closed her eyes, she would take in one last glimpse of the sky after finally breaking the silence she had held for so long.

---

It had been six years since Zrayuu slowly started to lose autonomy over everything. Every piece of clothing she wore, every word she dared to utter, every slight gesture, and every person - human or monster - whom she glanced at for more than a moment, was maniacally controlled by her late father, and now Damon.

It had been five years and four months since her mother finally escaped the hell of a reality they all lived in. Her pale feet, those masses of bloodless skin stretched on bones, still dangled in front of Zrayuu’s eyes, etched deep into her brain. 

It had been four years, nine months and two weeks since she had seen her father, who had once looked so menacing and powerful, lay in a pathetic pool of deep blue in front of Damon’s feet. The putrid iron stench couldn’t be removed from the living room rug for years to come.

But none of those times, none of those years, and months, and weeks, meant anything. No period of waiting or healing could even scratch the heart which had already been mangled, except for one. One that ticked like a bomb in Zrayuu’s head, reminding her of her failure – one that she woke up everyday counting and dreading.

It had been three years, a month and fifteen days since she'd spoken to her sister.

On that fateful day, when Damon lifted up the curtains of ignorance and forced Zrayuu into a tormentous state of knowing, Zrayuu was forbidden to interact with her beloved sister, her now singular reason to live.

Amel.

How that beautiful name haunted her. 

The name Zrayuu had been carefully crafted for her when she was first allowed to embrace the child in her arms, now a symbol of the sea of deceit the sisters were drowning in. 

After her father tricked her into intertwining Amel and Damon’s lives together so as to gain full control over Zrayuu’s actions, she had blamed herself over and over again. How could she have been so naive? How could she have let someone who had hurt her so much pull that pure child into his disdainful, hateful plan? How could she have so ignorantly, so cruelly, sealed the fate of the one person left she could call family?

Words could not form into a comprehensive phrase of apology. She didn’t know what to say, what jumbles of words could form a proper apology to someone who still was oblivious to her faults. So, she decided to keep quiet, and take a voluntary step out of Amel’s life.

Yet another decision she would regret for the entirety of her life.

The few months where Zrayuu deliberately turned her back to Amel, Damon had slowly but surely got a hold of Amel’s psyche. Zrayuu was naive enough to believe that Damon may be different from her wretched father. She believed, no, desperately hoped, that Amel would be safer out of her own frail arms. 

Only when she saw the little girl crumpled on the floor, ripping out tufts of her silken white hair in an anxious fit, did Zrayuu realize the grave mistake she had made. But when she finally decided to turn back to look her sister in the eyes, her father and Damon had already concealed them with a veil of lies. 

After killing Zrayuu’s father and ultimately revealing himself as the mastermind behind the Prophets, the Council, and the Emperor, Damon had grabbed Zrayuu’s face with his bloodstained hands, smearing the sickly fluid onto her white hair. She wilted under his slitted gaze. When he commanded her to become his tool, threatening to harm Amel if she disobeyed, Zrayuu let his serpentine voice take control of her life. 

The whispered vows she shared with her sister and her mother, to protect, to care, to love – were now completely muted. One decision towards silence led to another, and another, and another. By the time Amel had reached the same age Zrayuu’s voice had started to be erased from existence, Zrayuu would barely speak in front of anyone. She slowly began to realize that speaking would do her no good anyway. Nothing was achieved by her actions, but even less was achieved through her words. That had been proven already by the situation her sister was in now.

Hence, everyday, Zrayuu saved what words her meager personality would have left to speak, and shoved it down her throat.

---

Zrayuu thrived in seeing her sister grow everyday. 

She herself had remained stagnant. Initially, she was merely being dragged around by Damon, praying for the end to come to her or for anything to happen to improve her situation. Later, unable to bear the sight of Amel suffering any more, she started to make a plan to counter Damon’s ‘happy ending plan’, in such a way that Amel would finally be freed from Zrayuu and Damon’s grasp. But still, with years worth of words and actions planned for herself, Zrayuu maintained the facade of a doll without agency, allowing Damon to abuse her power however much he pleased to convince him that she had given up. 

Amel, however, was growing beautifully. After fetching her out of prison and excusing her outburst against the Council many years ago, Zrayuu had started implementing her plan of action to make her sister stronger, more resilient. Every step to make Amel less dependent on her.

The well thought out journey Zrayuu had laid upon Amel’s feet to undertake had been going mostly as planned. The girl was smiling and laughing again – not the pathetic, affection-deprived and crooked smile she presented to Zrayuu, and not the laugh she’d tried to perfect to seem happy in moments she was not. No, it was genuine bursts of vitality and joy that brought forth this open display of positivity. 

Amel seemed actually happy, the first time in what seemed like forever. She thrived in the presence of others. In no way did she seem like she would be so easily swayed by her sister now.

An immense wave of disgust swept Zrayuu as she looked back at the time she’d spent allowing herself to feel content while planning how best to express her love to Amel one last time.

How could she even dare speak a word?

After neglecting Amel for all her life – 

After promising happiness and tranquility when all she could do was attempt to block the chaos and destruction happening around them – 

After giving her hope for the future, when every second her sister looked at her with anticipation, she had been planning for an abruptly ending future for herself –

No. That was unacceptable. 

Maybe before, when Amel’s strive to gain Zrayuu’s attention was so obvious, Zrayuu could say something, anything, to assure her that that strive was meaningless. Because she had loved the girl from the moment they’d met, and had never stopped loving her since then. While coughing up her last few breaths, she would kiss her sister with words of affection. Those words, which Zrayuu had no right to vocalize, could become poles to sustain Amel as she coped with the loss of her undeserving sister.

But Zrayuu was not the only family Amel had now. The friends she’d made during the expedition to Euryclade, the unexpected acquaintances she’s bonded with, even some members of the Council she’d managed to rile up against Damon, were all there for her.

She was cherished. Adored. Respected and cared for. Loved to the fullest.

She didn’t need Zrayuu’s mangled and tattered confessions of love anymore. Perhaps it was wrong to think Amel would even want to hear another syllable out of her mouth, after all Zrayuu’d done.

Silence.

That would be her final words.

A cowardly, practiced silence – just how she’d lived her regrettable life.